Warm winter light rises from the east. A Christmas light that shines like no other in my culture. I light of remembering every year, every dark wake up and every time i see her, my mother. I look toward the sky and think of her asleep, in that room, next to the one i grew up in. The sky there i am sure is flat and bleak. The bells chime.

I remember my low quality stereo and my high quality organ. I remember the death i used to taste and the fresh that repulsed me. I miss her smile and the cuddle that she would always give, and still would if i were there. Christmas is not christmas without her, and she is not dead. It’s just i am far away and i miss her and him most on this day.

So onward and upwards, green in my right, golden in my left and a frown from the side. A way to get through being without. A Christmas morning away from my loved ones but by my choice.

The paper and the stuff no one needs. The waste that the planet can not cope with but its christmas. The cultures that don’t give a fuck and suffer from our stupidity. The sweat shops in Asia that produce this time of year of gift giving. I spare a thought for them.

But still it comes back to the ones i love. The people waking up in different time zones that i try to share  in my head. The joy, the excitement the disgust.

I hope you all enjoy this glorious day and enjoy being together. For me it feels like something but nothing. A christmas without the ones who created me feels flat, like nothing. Not like christmas. Celebration comes with loved ones and i have one, whom i cherish. One from the last seven years, not the ones from ever, in this life.

Things can never be forever but this year i just hope you know i am thinking of you, dear family,dear friends,  dear loved ones.