I seem to have drunk this week away. Monday,Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Today water. The academic year has come to an end and my role has expired. My students will be graduating as i type. Possibly my one chance to ponce around in academic robes representing the programme i have delivered, but with this hangover? I acknowledge the student achievement but feel it’s just a continuation of earning for the Uni. Students financially have it hard enough.
I seem to be somewhere hovering above my actual self; not feeling as connected as i should.Trying hard to look in and wonder if i have made the correct choice. Deep down i feel i have but can’t see my life beyond this trip. There seems to be no picture in my mind of the future. In my 20’s i envisaged living in a house with white walls and lots of wooden picture frames full of art. A scene not dissimilar to the one i am currently deconstructing. Now i see white powder beaches and crystal clear sea’s and sky’s. Yoga and photography and loosing my temper with rickshaw drivers. Reconnecting with a more simple life whilst re-connecting with myself. Reverting back to being less lazy and more passionate about existing. Having booked time in an ashram for September 16th i hope this experience will enable my body and mind to perform several point turns and start heading the same way. But nothing beyond leaving as this opportunity is so open. I look forward to the surprises.
My form is showing signs of over indulgence and telling me to change, as the habits i have adopted aren’t healthy. Tooo much drinking, smoking and eating. Too much use of things which screw you up and using them with little or no consideration. Almost encouraging disease. This feeling like a waster is also detrimental to my mind as well as my soul, wherever i left that. I strongly belive that environment deeply effects who you are. I have become more County Durham. I need a break from the British.
I guess i am going away to gain a deeper understand of myself as well as earth. Animals love to explore. Time and space to reflect and recharge….I hope. I am unsure why i am unable to search in England. Too many distractions? Nothing to search for? No need for searching as i have it good here and i should be happy and grateful. The perfect life? Wonderlust has a lot to answer for.Years of education have made me so over analytical and years of teaching over cynical. Still i have so many questions. What is it that i want. Excitement, peace, enlightenment, curry? I will google the meaning of life……